Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
