he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
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Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
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New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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