I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Randomize
