Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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