Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
