If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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