suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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