All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Semen is not good for contacts.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
