I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
