Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
