when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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