Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
