I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Randomize
