I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Pants are for mortals
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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