my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
