I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
It's blow job season.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
