dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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