last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
