I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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