I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
She's the barista slut.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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