Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
