She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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