i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
