I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
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also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
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At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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