its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Everclear isn't food dammit
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
