weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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