I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
