My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
