What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
