I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
