you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
