Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
