I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
the condom got lost in my hair
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
