I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
