as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
