I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
