she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize
