see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
