You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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