stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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