You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
