I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
