Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
