whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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