Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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