Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
