We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
