people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
