I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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