I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
