Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
