New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
