Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Semen is not good for contacts.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
