dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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