he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
