Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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