who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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