Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
