I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
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I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
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I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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